Getting the Bird

In 2024, just off Wilshire Boulevard, in Los Angeles you can visit the La Bria tar pits. The tar pits trapped many prehistoric animals whose remains have been carefully examined over the last hundred years or so. To the north west of the tar pits is the San Fernando Valley, currently home to a sub species of Homo Sapiens called the Valley Girls, at least according to Frank Zapa. Nine thousand or so, years ago, it was home to the Valley Tribe. They were a long limbed, handsome tribe, clean in their habits, tanned from the long hours of hunting and gathering, a fine looking people, but they were troubled.

The world was changing for the Valley Tribe, of course they only had the stories and chanted songs of the tribal Shaman to inform them of their history. Similarly he predicted wild prophesies of a bleak future if they didn’t succumb to his teachings, but it did seem as if the large animals were less plentiful now and their world was getting warmer.

It was a time, thousands of years after the height or should that be the depth of the last ice age and global warming was in full swing. The changing climate meant that a large body mass wasn’t as attractive an evolutionary proposition as it had once been. Consequently there was more competition from other tribes chasing the dwindling numbers of these big meals on four legs as they became harder to find.

Their main competition was from the Ulrug Clan, who were based in what would become down town Los Angeles, colloquially known as Skid Row. They were moving into the Valley Tribes territory and this infringement into their hunting grounds couldn’t be allowed.

The Ulrug’s they were a low, mean looking, bunch of thieves, squat, unwashed and primordial. Not the sort of people you would invite round on a Friday night to share Mammoth steak and your finest fermented berries.

Yes, I know they didn’t have dinner parties 9,000 years ago but you know what I mean, they would slurp their wine, spill food on your best carpet and leer at your daughter.

Before the formation of banks and financial institutions, to take someone’s land, you had to persuade them to leave, or dispossess them by force and bury them in the ground. The Ulrug clan planned to do the later, although sometimes they had been known to gnaw on an enemies bones first, and so burial might be their last resort. To be honest, cannibalism was the simpler choice and the Ulrug’s were simple people and here we can see them moving forward through the open countryside that the Valley People call their home.

Although on reflection, the Valley Tribe might not yet, have developed the concept of home, but I guess we’ll never know.

The Valley tribe are not going to give up their hunting grounds without a fight and here you can see them adopting what would, thousands of years later, become the typical Zulu Impi’s formation, head, horns and loins.

Yes I know it’s hard to tell. The cave art depicting the scene was only recently discovered in 1990, so you’re just going to have to trust my interpretation of the painting.

This second illustration shows it a little clearer, apparently some teenager painted it on the same cave wall in 1995, his interpretation is the same as mine. You can see the Valley tribe coming down from the top of the painting. The tokens on the ground seem to have some significance, because both tribes appear to be heading for them. Off to the west the Ulrug left Horn is close to a red dot that marks the spot, but they are about to be assaulted by the hard men, and women of the Valley Tribes allies. These allies that are not quite human, but they have left us with a lot of their DNA.

In the centre, the tribal chieftain Akoba is boldly leading the Valley people forward. Off on the right the Valley tribe seem to be unopposed, and are closing in on another of the sacred red marker’s.

By the way, can someone explain to me why the Valley Tribe’s cave wall painting is behind glass, visitors have to pay a fee and can’t get any closer than 10 ft to it, but the teenager, whose painting in 1995 is in the same cave has had a team of cleaners trying to remove it from the wall and the teenager is doing community service as a punishment for their crime? One is heritage and one is graffiti? How does that work.

A close up of the Valley Tribes allies.

This is the first time they have been in a life or death struggle on the table and my God, do they look up for it.

The fight in the centre is initiated by the low squat intruders. They charge forwards screaming their war cry, followed by a lot of whimpering.

As they are wiped out to a man.

Then their Chieftain, Ulrug attacks Akoba the Valley Tribe Chieftain, or it could have been the other way around, I’m afraid I can’t remember which.

The fight is reasonably inconclusive but Akoba falls back, and so which ever way I spin it, it looks like he lost.

The Valley Tribe centre is now led by Ayha, strong women aren’t a recent invention, but she’s also a subtle tactician.

Sending the rest of the centre forward against the Ulrug hard men, she watches how they perform and shouts encouragement, fully prepared to back them up or run away, whichever is most appropriate. Her troops perform adequately, as do the Neanderthal allies on the left and the other chaps on the right.

The Ulrug’s have now all been slain by the valiant Valley people, only a couple of their demi hero’s remain alive, and they slink away, heading back to skid row.

You might be thinking that this is a just result, the interlopers have been taught a lesson they won’t forget and the Valley Tribe are victorious, but I’m afraid you’d be wrong.

You didn’t take into account the games master, the devious man who concocted this scenario. The man who should remain nameless, at least that’s what the Mad Lord Snapcase said should happen.

No sooner had my clean cut tribe disposed of the last of the mean, squat, ugly, Ulrug tribe, than the un-named games master – Snapcase, announced “you’ve discovered a Terror Bird nest, complete with an egg”

“Ok” I thought, “that’s not too bad, at least we get scrambled egg for breakfast”.

Then he announced “and the Terror Bird isn’t too happy about it, she’s coming your way.”

“I should have known better”.

The Terror Bird did what the Ulrug tribe hadn’t been able to do and killed off quite a few of my chaps and chapesses.

But they are a bold and brave lot and so attack again.

And more of them died.

Akoba the tribal chief seeing his warriors die, strode bravely but foolishly into the fight, he died as well.

Finally it was left to the two heroines of the tribe to meet out revenge for the rest of the dead tribesmen. They finally killed the Terror Bird but casualties had been heavy.

By this time the tribe was so reduced in numbers that the remaining members were only able to feast on the legs of the bird with the scrambled eggs making a nice accompaniment. They left the rest of the carcase to rot in the Baja sun along with the Ulrug dead……unburied and uneaten.

The Gun Powder Plot

The Mad Lord Snapcase was travelling through the North of England on his way to collect tax and tribute from a lesser known branch of his family. On the way he stayed for a couple of days at Vagabond Manor and we played a few games, drank a few bottles of wine and roasted the winter hog, followed by some more wine.

This is one of the games we played

The small village of Much Piddling in the Marsh had seen a lot of action in the Civil War, it was currently held by a small garrison of Parliamentarians under the command of Sir Francis Gamell. Francis was an active soldier and his men carried out a constant harassment of the local Royalist forces, who happened to be under the command of Sir Verity Snapcase.

This is Much Piddling from the south. East as you will be aware is to our right.

This is the view from the East and it’s the view that Sir Verity will have when he attacks Much Piddling at day break. He has a cunning plan and intends to split his small force to create a diversionary attack up the road from the East while the rest of his troops move cautiously across the field from the south east and attack the key target.

This is the key to Much Piddling, a wagon load of gun powder.

You may wonder why Sir Francis had left the powder out in the street and the reason is quite simple, I painted the wagon and barrel on the day that the Mad Lord Snapcase was driving to Vagabond Manor and I wanted to show it off, because for once I thought my dry brushing looked pretty good.

I’m also rather proud of the street paving and the slabs of pavement I made to fit under the new Conflix houses I bought recently. Yes I know, it’s all a bit self congratulatory, I borrowed the idea for the road from someone called McYellowbelly on the Lead Adventurers Forum, and yes I did tell him I was going to borrow it.

Sir Francis is a wily old bird and cannily he’s set sentries, one at the east of Piddling.

And one at the west of Piddling.

Faulke Goring has turned and is looking to the east because there’s been a musket fired in that direction.

The poor man’s in a bit of a quandary because he wants to run to see what the noise is all about but he knows Sir Francis will nail his hide to the barn door if he leaves his post without a very excellent reason.

We rolled some dice and he didn’t get an excellent reason so we decided he would stay in position.

The noise was Henry Legge firing his blunderbuss in the air to attract attention. Henry was the sentry on the east side. He’s seen some figures approaching the village, stealthy like, and I wanted him to fire on them but cunning as ever, the Mad Lord said they could be village folk returning after a late night at the Ram Inn in the next village, the one where all the sheep look warily at any approaching local, especially if they’re wearing wellies.

The shot had also awakened the garrison in the Tower house and they were fast responders. I rolled 1 on a D6 to indicate how long it would take them to be at the door, and ready to rock and roll. They rushed out, directed by Henry pointing his blunderbuss in the direction of the unknown group of men. They lined the wall, recognised that the men approaching were wrong uns and opened fire. Everyone missed and much to Snappers surprise, they jumped the wall and charged forward.

At the same time the door of the Inn at the far side of the village opened and Sir Francis rocked out with 2 men, he’d also rolled a 1 on a D6, Snappers was dismayed, not to say discomforted and maybe even a little disgruntled at how fast I was getting my troops into the field.

As the Royalists tried to get their attack moving forward again, they rolled an event and an enraged mastiff called Henry attacked Hugh Chudleigh. Unfortunately Hugh was well armed and knew how to fight, Henry didn’t stand a chance.

An overview of the village at this point, it serves no purpose, other than I thought it was a pretty cool view.

Yes - there’s that self promotion again.

Sir Francis is leading his men quickly through the village square towards the fighting.

I should point out that the very nice fountain and statue were provided by Snappers and I was so envious of these that I’ve started building statues myself, finished them today, I just need to make a couple of fountains to match.

Sorry…just another picture I liked. It does show Faulke has been summoned forward by Sir Francis and they are closing with the east end of the village where the fighting is still raging.

The Parliamentarians had taken the sword to the Royalists. The Royalists had fired as they closed but also missed their targets. However when it came to the cold steel the Royalists got the pointy ends and went down like nine pins.

If you remember, right at the beginning, I mentioned that the Mad Lord had a cunning plan. Well the men dying in the green lane were the diversion and this is the main attack. It’s coming over the fields and hasn’t been observed by the defenders yet.

They make it into the shelter of the village, still unobserved.

Moving stealthily forward they see that Sir Francis has arrived at the east side of Much Pidding, there, he takes up a defensive line, and watches his troops make short work of the Royalists.

Having killed or wounded the entire first wave of attackers his men return and discuss the situation. All seems quiet, too quiet, why would 5 men attack the garrison of Much Piddling alone, it didn’t make sense.

That’s when Fear-Naught Murdo led the rest of the Royalists forward; they fired a volley into the defenders but failed to hit anyone.

Big smile from Sir Francis.

The defenders are quick to regain their composure and send a volley back in the direction of their attackers.

Unfortunately they also miss.

Big smile from Sir Verity.

Fear-Naught shouts charge and the men follow him into hand to hand combat.

The astute reader will have noticed that the Royalist attack only comprised 4 men whereas there had been 5 crossing the field. Well the Snapcase cunning had not failed him, seeing his first diversion fail before he could get close to the gun powder. You remember the gun powder, the games all about blowing it up. Well he’d decided it was a good plan and so he sent the rest of his troops to tie up the enemy. They were attacking double their numbers, but he’s a hard man is Snapcase. This should give him a little time to get across the road, set and light the fuse, before running as fast as his little legs would go, to escape the blast.

The fighting wasn’t going well but with odds of 2 to 1 against them that’s not a big surprise. Bible waving Kenrick Eaton and Barnabus Scudamore had fallen back from the wall. Thomas Blagge was down and rolling on the ground from a severe wound, only Fear-Naught Murdo had beaten his opponent.

Fear-Naught stood his ground daring the weak willed Parliament man to come back and fight like a man. Gerard Gasgoine just smiled, he knew that his friend Lucius Cary had gone round the back of the tower house and even now would be close to the ranting Fear-Naught. Lucius carried a sword and dagger and he knew how to use them, the preacher would be shouting a different tune very soon.

Almost immediately Lucius charged and Fear-Naught was caught in a trap. He was isolated and couldn’t turn and run without being cut down.

Taking advantage of the confusion Sir Verity Snapcase ran across the road, quickly setting and lighting the fuse on the powder barrel.

We did some careful calculations, and having decided how soon the fuse would explode, and how far Snapcase might run, and what might be the blast radius, we rolled some dice.

Note the dry brushing on the barrel, pretty impressive, ehh. The rest of it’s rubbish but what do you expect on mdf and with my skill level.

Like a ferret down a rabbit hole, Snapcase took to his heals and ran. The barrel exploded and he made it, out of range of the blast and any flying debris but he didn’t stop to examine his handiwork just kept on running.

The two men who had pulled back from the fight at the wall, also turned and ran.

Leaving Fear-Naught Murdo surrounded by his enemies. He called for quarter and with some reluctance it was granted.

Sir Francis Gamell having defeated the Royalist attack, inflicting considerable casualties on his enemy now has to consider his position carefully. With no reserve of powder, his men only have what powder they have on their person. This means they probably can’t stand against a determined assault. So should he pull back to the main Parliamentary lines or is it possible for him to send 2 or 3 bold men to replenish the lost powder before he is attacked again?

On the other hand Sir Verity Snapcase needs to recruit more men to be able to make a second assault on Much Piddling in the Marsh.

We've been playing What a Cowboy over the internet and partly because we were both familiar with the rules and partly because I wanted to try some modifications to the activation routine as well as obviously moving them forward to black powder weapons we used them to play out the game and apart from one notable occasion when out of 24 dice rolls the Mad Lord couldn't roll either a 1 or a 6 they worked reasonably well..

Well thanks for reading, if indeed you did and I hope you are ready for more from the mid 17th Century because I finally managed to buy a copy of the Witch Finder General rules and I’m hoping to catch a few witches pretty soon. Of course there's the matter of a Border Raid on the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells and some prehistoric nonsense in the San Fernando Valley when my Valley Girls came up against the low life's from Skid Row in downtown L.A. to go through first.

Cheers

Looters in Greater Snoring

Looters in Greater Snoring

In the small sleepy town of Greater Snoring under t’Hill voices are raised and the shrill scraping of steel on steel can be heard. Not by the towns folk for they have long fled, but by the local garrison from the Manor by t’Hill.

The town square hasn’t seen so much activity since the start of the war.

The Reverend Jeremiah Blackstock has decided to take a rest from his self-imposed task of Witch Finder and strike a blow for Parliament by liberating goods and chattels from the evil spawn that support the Kings cause in Greater Snoring.

Two of his stoutest followers wave their Bible and Pamphlets in support of the advance guard. They are prepared to use cold steel to emphasise their support but would prefer to be employed in Witch Finding, it’s a much safer occupation.

Especially when they see a small but stout band of tough looking fighters headed their way. The dashing officer is leading his men from the front, an unusual sight and one full of obvious menace; he must know his men are dependable and will follow him into the coming fight.

All for 1 and 1 for all.

Maybe it’s time for the Reverend to hurry the looters/liberators and get the goods onto the cart and out of town while he still can.

A final view of Greater Snoring before blood is spilled and men die.

Johnathan Harker shouted “Give them fire men and then follow me” At close range three pistols spat flames and bullets, the men were veterans of many a fight, wolves amongst sheep, and they made full use of their advantage.

They shot the officer in the right leg, it was only a light wound but the impact of the ball stunned him momentarily. Not so the man waving his bible, the ball hit him high in the right arm, he dropped his sword before falling to the ground so badly wounded that for all intents and purposes he was out of the fight.

Harker didn’t need to encourage his remaining wolves, the ones without a pistol, they loped forwards through the smoke. The wounded enemy officer lost his nerve, he would have run but his leg let him down. ‘Quarter’ he shouted and threw down his sword, it was a close call but his surrender was accepted.

To his right the fight was short and sharp. Wielding his mortuary sword like a hammer the Royalist beat down the defence of his opponent, pushing him back and then following up with a wicked disabling blow that put his man down. It could have gone differently if the musketeer behind could have fired but he was too slow to raise his weapon, it was all over in a split second, and there were three men down.

The Musketeer pulled back to cover behind the well but his companion with the blunderbuss ran like a hare.

The pistoleros moved forward to join the Mortuary Men and Harker made the decision to attack the enemy without reloading first. Sweep them away before they could re-group, he’s a bold leader and not averse to taking risks.

However Reverend Jeremiah Blackstock, had rallied his group of men and quickly assessed the situation. He was now outnumbered, with 3 men down 1 runner and another shaken and falling back. Better to take the loot in hand and retire quickly rather than face Hawker’s wolves and take more casualties. ‘With me men’, he called before turning away and running as if the devil was snapping at his heals.

He wouldn’t forget this action in a hurry and as they ran he thought again of witch hunting, it was far more lucrative and much more enjoyable.

A short sharp game, mainly because I've just painted these rascals and spent what is for me, an inordinate amount of money on the Conflix buildings so wanted to see them out on the table. I have 40 figures in total, all fighting men and want to get about 20 or so civilians.

In the past I did a few games of witch finding and monster hunting with some older figures and that's what these are for, although there will be plenty of local raiding and fighting for them to undertake. I've just been re-watching the BBC's Three Musketeers and was immensely impressed with the scenery, in town and village, so there may well be games set in France as well, using the Musketeer ethos.

So the current plan is to finish painting and buy the civilians but I want to try and make the buildings more of a town than a collection of houses on a mat. I thought of creating loose pavement bases so the houses can sit on them and I should be able to make more of a street scene using the pavements to delineate it. To make it look more lived in I thought straw and horse shit in the streets would help.

If anyone who reads this has any ideas or can point me to pictures of street scenes in the early 1600's I would be most grateful.

Cheers